This is a classic imo:
A lawyer just getting his new Jaguar drives to work. Thinking how impressed his colleagues will be he parks right infront of the window. As he is getting out a truck comes back way to closely and takes off the Jaguar's door. The lawyer who is hysterical calls 911. Within minutes the cop is there, and without letting the cop get one word in, he begins ranting and raving about his car, and how it will never be the same even after they fix it up.
After 30 minutes the lawyer stops ranting and the cop says "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are!!". The lawyer says "How could you say such a thing". The cop replies "For god sake man you are missing your left arm, it must have been taken off by the truck", the lawyer looks at where his arm should be and screams "AAAAH MY ROLEX!!".
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A mate told me this one last month:
One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice -
"Jesus is watching you!"
He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!".
He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot,
"Did you say that?"
The parrot answers "Yes I did."
So the burglar says, "What's your name?"
The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"
The parrot laughs and says,
"The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus'"