Test Drive Unlimited: Central Joke Book

[TDU 505]

Ok i could not find the old one so yeah here it is!

 

I don't know what level of racism, sexism etc etc the mods can take so if it is too offending then please remove it.

 

Let me get the ball rolling.

 

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

 

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

 

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

 

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

 

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

 

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

 

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

One day in September, Bush was in Iraq negotiating peace talks with Saddam when Saddam pushed 1 of 3 red buttons on his table. A flat wooden paddle swung out of Bush's table and smacked Bush on the face.

 

Angry but determined to get peace (whatta lie!), Bush laughed it off. Suddenly Saddam pushed the 2nd red button when again the wooden paddle swung out and smacked Bush on the face.

 

Now getting angerier, he told Saddam to stop when Saddam pushed the 3rd button. Now the chair leaned backwards and Bush slid off the back. Too angry to continue, he flew back to America and told Saddam to "Be Careful".

 

Few days later, Saddam was in the US finishing the peace talks with Bush when Bush pushed a red button on his table. Nothing happened. Saddam smirked and told himself how substandard the US items were.

 

Then, Bush pushed the 2nd button. Again nothing happened. Now Saddam was really amused at the quality of US products. After awhile, Bush pushed the final button. Again, nothing happened. Saddam could'nt contain his laughter and said, " Bush you should really learn a thing or 2 back home in Iraq."

 

Then Bush said

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What Iraq?"

[Guest RB26DETT]

hahhahaha! LOL at the Bush joke!

 

At first I was like, huh??? Then, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

[ShadowGT]

i think i get the bush joke?:wtf:

[Guest RB26DETT]

i think i get the bush joke?:wtf:

 

want me to tell you? :p

[ShadowGT]

is it to do with him nuking iraq? thats how i read it.

[Iced_Bullet]

Another Bush joke:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mCCYLC-4xA

 

 

You only really start to twig what it's on about 2/3 of the way through :p

[Guest RB26DETT]

is it to do with him nuking iraq? thats how i read it.

 

yup. when he pressed the buttons, iraq is being bombed as they speak.

[Pherelas]

Another Bush joke:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mCCYLC-4xA

 

 

You only really start to twig what it's on about 2/3 of the way through :p

 

Haha brilliant.

 

 

How do you sink an Irish submarine? ..... Knock on the door.

 

How do you sink a secound Irish Submarine? Knock on the door, they'll open the window and shout, "i'm not falling for that one again!!"

 

Also two thing, sory if anyone is Irish lol and 2nd how on earth do you sink a submarine anyway, there allready sunk :(.

[Who]

*opens book of politically incorrect jokes*

 

what happened to the irish terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?

 

he burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe

 

whats blue and screws old ladies?

Hypothermia

 

Whats blue and screws old ladies?

the conservatives

 

what animal has a knob in the middle of its back?

a police horse

 

why is the bible like a Pen0r?

you get it forced down your throat by a priest

 

what has 8 legs and makes women scream?

Gang Rape

 

How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake...

 

did you hear about the man with 5 pen0rs?

his pants fitted like a glove!

[khevolution]

couple of funny's for you all

 

Ebay joke

 

NES Guitar

 

Banned from K-mart

 

Pavment Art

 

OMG KNOCK FIRST!!!

 

 

will add more later

 

oh and

Ok i could not find the old one

 

you mean this click me

[Iced_Bullet]

*opens book of politically incorrect jokes*

 

-cut-

I think some of those are slightly pushing mod boundaries ;)

[khevolution]

some more

 

 

 

 

[CarMadMike]

ROFL, thatr k-mart makes me laugh every time

[CarboyZR1]

http://www.truthinengineering.com/exclusive-preview

 

ROFL it's a Super Bowl Ad!

[HavockJoker]

I love the Kmart one so much. iTS so funny.

[Who]

like the audi one :D

 

did you know theres a diesel R8 comming?

[khevolution]

well this just wouldn't be a Joke book without the blonde jokes

 

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

 

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

 

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”

 

The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

 

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

 

“No, from skipping.”

 

***********

 

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided tohire out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearbywell-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the firsthouse, and asked if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, I guess I could use someone to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

 

"The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50.00?"

 

The man agreed and told her that everything she would need was already in the garage.

 

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

 

He responded, "That's a bit cynical isn't it?"

 

The wife replied, "You're right. I suppose I was starting to believe all of those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by E-mail lately."

 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

 

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

 

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gaveit 2 coats."

 

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 andhanded it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a'Porch,' it's a Lexus."

 

*********

 

A blonde and a brunette drive into a lumberyard. The blonde gets out of her truck, walks up to a worker, and asks for some four-by-twos.

 

"You mean two-by-fours?" the worker asks.

 

The blonde says, "I’ll go check." She walks back to the truck, asks the brunette, and returns a minute later. "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

 

"All right. How long do you need them?" asks the worker.

 

The blonde pauses for a minute and says, "Hold on, I’d better go check."

 

After a moment, the blonde returns to the worker and says, "A long time. We’re gonna build a house."

[Who]

One day, a young boy goes to his mother and asks:

"Why am i called Leaf mum?"

"Well son, its because when you were a baby, a leaf landed on your head"

satisfied with the response, he leaves.

 

The next day, his little sister comes to the mother and says:

"Mum, why am i called Petal?"

"Its because as a baby, a petal landed on your head"

She is also happy and leaves.

 

 

The Next day their brother comes in and goes:

"gabbrrrrrellllllinnnndhdhdhdghdhyesjkds" *starts foaming from mouth*

The mother replies "Shut up fridge"

[TDU 505]

ROFL!!!

thats brilliant!

Another one

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found

four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her

shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the

top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of

the car, you scumbags!"

 

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran

like mad.

 

The lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the

back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that

she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no

avail.

 

And then it dawned on her why.

 

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces

farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police

station.

 

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with

laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale

males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as

white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and

carrying a large handgun.

 

No charges were filed.

[Pherelas]

Whats worse than finding half a maggot in your apple? Being shot.

 

Why did the girl fall off her bike? Someone threw a fridge at her.

[khevolution]

am i missing the whole funny part to that last joke

[CarboyZR1]

am i missing the whole funny part to that last joke

I dunno, I don't find it funny either.

[Who]

its one of those stupid jokes, such as:

 

whats yellow and tastes of wee?

 

wee

[eleKtro]

Why did the girl fall off her bike? Someone threw a fridge at her.

 

 

LMFAO! Omg that is class, I am crying!

[hesonly5]

ROFL, that's good :D

 

Am I the only one who finds it ironic that the younger kids don't understand it, while us teens are in hysterics? :p

 

Damn, khevolutions 19. Ruins my theory :p