Test Drive Unlimited: Central Joke Book

[Baltoman]

Good one Sfy2004, last one made me laugh a heck lot. +rep

[BioHazard7911]

How is a dog better than a wife?

 

1. It knows you have to yell to get your point across

2. It won't wake you up in the middle of the night asking "If I die, will you get another dog?"

 

I can't remember the rest :P

[Car Freak]

Someone once commented that when a black man becomes president of the United States, pigs will fly. Sure enough, 100 days later, swine flu

[BioHazard7911]

http://www.funnyjunk.com/funny_pictures/30442/Sparta+is+no+more/

[Immelmann]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[Baltoman]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

......

[TDU 505]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

 

FOR EXAMPLE:

 

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

 

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

 

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

 

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

 

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

 

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

 

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

 

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

 

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier.'

 

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,

'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

 

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

 

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

 

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

 

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that <yabadabadoo> knows I'm smarter than her.

[Baltoman]

LMAO, good one ;)

[Immelmann]

......

You're kidding me.

:imwithstupid:

[T0M722]

Why's the mushroom so funny?

 

Because he's a fungi!

 

 

A blonde goes to sell her car one day and can't find any buyers. She asks her friend why and she says that there's 235,000kms on it and that's the problem. The friend also tells her that her brother is a mechanic and can turn down the odometer to whatever she wanted. So, she goes the next day and gets it wound down to around 40,000kms. Another two days later the friend comes back and asks her if she sold the car due to her brother turning down the odometer. She replies "Why would i sell my car if it's only got 40,00kms on it!?"

 

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A blonde and a brunette jump off a cliff at the exact same time. Which one will hit the rocks below first?

 

 

The brunette because the blonde must ask for directions

 

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What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

 

Pull the pin and throw it back!

 

[T0M722]

I'm not letting this thread die on me!!! *Grabs a defribrillator* "CLEARRR!" *beep beep beep* oh kool it's fine. Just need more people to post jokes :bump:

[StrickenHAWK?]

Dude, you posted one yesterday, its not dead..

[Who]

Did you guys hear about that new Irish tap dancer?

 

She was great until she fell into the sink.

[Sponge]

Pure win!

[Car Freak]

Did you guys hear about that new Irish tap dancer?

 

She was great until she fell into the sink.

+rep! :D

[Outlaw_PT]

What's worse than finding a dead baby in the garbage can?

 

Finding the same baby in two garbage can.

 

 

What kind of ears does an engine have?

 

Engineers

 

 

What happened to the chinese man who walked into a wall with a boner?

 

He smashed his nose.

 

No offence to Chinese people with this one. LOL

 

What did the pen0r say to the condom?

 

Cover me im going in!

 

 

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

 

Because it was dead.

 

 

:D

[BioHazard7911]

What does the Enterprise (Star Trek) and toilet paper have in common?

 

They both circle Uranus in search of Clingons.