Test Drive Unlimited: Central Joke Book

[CarMadMike]

I laughed at it also, only cause if you picture it, its even more hilarious

[TDU 505]

A burly construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage.

 

He grabs the guy's *BROTHER*, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.

 

The man, wide-eyed, screams, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut off my *BROTHER*, are you?"

 

The husband hands him the hacksaw and says: "Nope. You are. I'm setting the garage on fire."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A blonde began a job as an Junior school counselor, and she

was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy

standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the

rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.

 

The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy

noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be

your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking

at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress,

Sandy then asked "Why are you standing here all alone?

Why don't you go and join those boys playing football over

there?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation,

 

"I'm the bloody goalie."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A man is giving evidence in court and the defendant's barrister asks him

"How far from the accident were you when it happened?"

 

He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"

 

"Nonsence how can you be so precise"

 

"Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

A pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise For answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said"I have a praise.

Two months ago my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle wreck and his Scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know If they could help him."

She continued"Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move Caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate Operation.

They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and Wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

The men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably.

She continued"Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say with time his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to Say

A man rose and walked to the podium. He said"Good morning I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife ONCE AGAIN the word is STERNUM."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

 

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's something I can't figger out."

 

"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.

 

"Well according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

 

"Right."

 

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

 

"Er--right."

 

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

 

"Again you're right."

 

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

 

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

 

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz all the grown-ups doing?"

 

P.S i think they're making more Children Of Israel

[CarMadMike]

All class there mark

[TDU 505]

haha and im doing all this for free (tho alittle rep when some good ones come in would be nice :D:D:D:D)

[CarMadMike]

Rep+, and the blonde joke was the best

[Guest RB26DETT]

agreed. dumb blonde.

[Car Freak]

Found this:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about.

Many people upgrade from GIRLFRIEND 7.0 to WIFE 1.0.1 thinking that it is just a utilities and entertainment program. WIFE 1.0.1 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING. It is also impossible to delete WIFE 1.01.1 and return to GIRLFRIEND 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to GIRLFRIEND 7.0 because WIFE 1.0.1 is designed not to allow this. Look in your WIFE 1.0.1 manual under WARNINGS: ALIMONY AND COMMUNITY PROPERTY. I recommend that you just keep WIFE 1.0.1 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application YES DEAR 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

WIFE 1.0.1 is a great program but it tends to be very high maintenance. WIFE 1.0.1 does come with several support programs such as CLEAN AND SWEEP 3.0, COOK IT 1.5, and SEX 4.2, however be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NAG NAG 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of WIFE 1.0.1 is to purchase additional software. I recommend FLOWERS 2.1 AND DIAMONDS 5.0.

WARNING!! Do not under any circumstances install SECRETARY WITH SHORT SKIRT 3.3. This application is not supported by WIFE 1.0.1 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck

Tech Support

[hesonly5]

:rofl: Brilliant :D

[Pherelas]

- Couple of jokes for you.

 

1. Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.

 

2. What kind of music do Mummies listen to? Wrap.

 

 

- Heard the one below a while ago and found it on a website so didn't have to type it out again.

 

3. A young, successful ventriloquist is on tour and stops in a small town to perform at a club. He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman from the third row stands on her chair and screams: “I’ve had just about enough of your degrading blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?”

 

“What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?” she goes on to say… “It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large - all in the name of humor.”

 

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde screams again, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little s*person* on your knee!”

 

- Heard this one in a maths lesson a couple of years ago.

 

4. A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out.

 

The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, “What do you want?” The bartender replies, “First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.”

 

The panda bear turns around and says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up!” The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: “Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it’s stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

 

- Got this one stright off the site i re-found the other to to save typing.

 

5. A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

 

“I can’t do that, officer.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because I’m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

 

“Okay, we’ll just get a urine sample down at the station.”

 

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because I’m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”

 

“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”

 

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because I’m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”

 

“Fine then, just walk this white line.”

 

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because I’m drunk.”

[HavockJoker]

I would like to share some funny Jamaican jokes with you. Uhh this one is funny if you can figure out what is being said. Kinda inappropriate but only if you can figure it out. Its called the Naked Rasta

 

A Rastaman was sunbathing nude on the beach in Folly Port Antonio. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

 

"Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?"

 

Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, "A bird."

 

The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the Port Antonio hospital in tremendous pain.

 

The police asked him what happened.

 

The Rasta said, "Mi nuh know. I mon was lying on de beach, an dis likkle gal asked me a question, den I mon ... guess I mon mussah dozed off an next ting I man know is I mon deh ya."

 

The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked Rasta?"

 

After a pause, the girl replied, "Me neva do nutten to him! Nutten at all. Me was a play wid him bird an it spit pon me. So, me bruk its neck, cracked its two eggs dem, and set de nest pon fire!"

[Hammy]

I would like to share some funny Jamaican jokes with you. Uhh this one is funny if you can figure out what is being said. Kinda inappropriate but only if you can figure it out. Its called the Naked Rasta

 

A Rastaman was sunbathing nude on the beach in Folly Port Antonio. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

 

"Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?"

 

Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, "A bird."

 

The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the Port Antonio hospital in tremendous pain.

 

The police asked him what happened.

 

The Rasta said, "Mi nuh know. I mon was lying on de beach, an dis likkle gal asked me a question, den I mon ... guess I mon mussah dozed off an next ting I man know is I mon deh ya."

 

The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked Rasta?"

 

After a pause, the girl replied, "Me neva do nutten to him! Nutten at all. Me was a play wid him bird an it spit pon me. So, me bruk its neck, cracked its two eggs dem, and set de nest pon fire!"

 

 

ROFL Tbh

[eleKtro]

I would like to share some funny Jamaican jokes with you. Uhh this one is funny if you can figure out what is being said. Kinda inappropriate but only if you can figure it out. Its called the Naked Rasta

 

A Rastaman was sunbathing nude on the beach in Folly Port Antonio. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

 

"Wha yuh 'ave undah de newspaper?"

 

Thinking quickly, the Rasta replied, "A bird."

 

The girl walked away, and the Rastaman fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the Port Antonio hospital in tremendous pain.

 

The police asked him what happened.

 

The Rasta said, "Mi nuh know. I mon was lying on de beach, an dis likkle gal asked me a question, den I mon ... guess I mon mussah dozed off an next ting I man know is I mon deh ya."

 

The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked Rasta?"

 

After a pause, the girl replied, "Me neva do nutten to him! Nutten at all. Me was a play wid him bird an it spit pon me. So, me bruk its neck, cracked its two eggs dem, and set de nest pon fire!"

 

Yea I seen that one before, but it wasn't in Jamaican just plain English, but it's better off in Jamaican for this forum.

[TDU 505]

Ok there's a little harsh words that Diablo or other mods may want to edit

 

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

 

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

 

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

 

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

 

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

 

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

 

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot ***** around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

 

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

 

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

 

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

 

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

 

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

 

"What?" asks the guy.

 

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

 

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

 

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

 

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

 

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

 

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

 

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my *BLEEP* perch."

[CarMadMike]

^^^^ LOL :), i seriously cant give you anymore rep, i would do but it wont let me

[TDU 505]

A preacher, attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.

One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

[Guest RB26DETT]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was "so profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "... that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

[TDU 505]

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”

[CarMadMike]

LOL, that would be a nightmare mark

[TDU 505]

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students.

As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the

students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.

 

She said, "Let's start with the boys first."

 

Boys start giving their intro...

 

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see

bubble in the bathtub."

 

Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting.

Well, Ok. In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all

there is essentially a child in each of us. So it\'s ok John. Yes next."

 

Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see

bubble in the bathtub."

 

Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the

spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next."

 

Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see

bubble in the bathtub."

 

Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be

sincere. Ok next."

 

This continues...

and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is

to see bubble in the bathtub."

 

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don\'t think I will be

able to teach un-grown boys for long.

Anyway, now the girls please."

 

First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."

 

Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok

next."

 

Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."

 

Teacher "Now it\'s like educated grown up girls. Ok

next. You sweet girl; Yes you..."

 

Most beautiful girl of the class:

"Madam, my name is Bubbles, and my hobby is to take

bath three times a day"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JOKE BELOW UNSUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER...uh...just children

 

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn’t afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said “We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married”.

So they got married and all three daughters then said “I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it”. The parents couldn’t afford it either so they decided they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she just ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and decided to ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter “Why were you screaming?”. And the daughter replied “Well mother you told me to scream when something hurt.”

Then the mother said to the second daughter “Why were you laughing last night?” and the daughter replied “Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled”.

Then the mother said to the last daughter “Why didn’t I hear anything coming from your room last night?” and the daughter replied “Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full”.

[TDU 505]

Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.

“Jamie O’Connor and me had a fight,” says Paddy.

“That little ****, O’Connor?” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”

“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?”

“That I did,” said Paddy, “Mrs. O’Connor’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”

[TDU 505]

Three nuns died and went to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates they were met by St. Peter. He told them that in order to get into Heaven they had to answer a skill testing question. They all agreed. He asked the lst one, “Who was the first man on earth?” She said, “Oh that’s easy,” and then she answered, “Adam.” The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing, and she flew up into Heaven. He asked the 2nd nun, “Who was the first woman on earth?” She said, “Oh that’s easy too,” and then she said, “Eve.” The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing, and she flew up into Heaven. He asked the 3rd one, “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam.” She said, “That’s a hard one, isn’t it?” The Pearly Gates swung open, the angels started to sing…..

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with four children—he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

Arthur is 95 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad…once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother is a hundred and three. He can’t help.”

“He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law.”Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” says the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.

“I can’t remember.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once a mother had 3 children.

 

Child A came up to her and said, "Why am i called Raindrop?"

She replied, " Because when you were born, a raindrop fell on your head."

 

Child B came up to her and said, "Why am i called leaf?"

She replied, "Because when you were born, a leaf fell on your head."

 

Child C came up to her and said, "NGGDSFUOUTHWEYFDSHRWDSHFS."

She replied,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"SHUT UP BRICK!"

[Guest RB26DETT]

lol mark! priceless jokes once again! i shall add to the jokebook tomorrow!

[TDU 505]

The 3 tragedies in a man's life:

1- life sucks

2- job sucks

3- Wife does NOT!

[Murcielago]

LOL!! :rofl: Mark, your jokes are awesome :D *adds rep* ;)

[TDU 505]

haha thanks Murcielago!