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The Man Rules

Nodz86

By Nodz86
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Nodz86 Grand Master

Nodz86

Posted
Posted

Got sent this, think its spot on.

 

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear ' the rules'

 

From the female side.

 

Now here are the rules from the male side.

 

These are our rules!

 

Please note.. These are all numbered ' 1 '

 

ON PURPOSE !

 

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

 

You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

 

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon

 

Or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want.

 

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

 

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

 

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.

 

Don't ask us.

 

 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

 

1. You can either ask us to do something

 

Or tell us how you want it done.

Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

 

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have

no idea what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

 

We do that.

 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.

 

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really .

 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as

Rugby League

Or

Cricket.

 

1. You have enough clothes.

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

 

1. Thank you for reading this.

 

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

 

 

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

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Baldy Grand Master

Baldy

Posted
Posted
^That means u r either a woman or a gay (or just ur woman wrote this (if u have one)) :jk:

 

I'm not a woman and i'm not gay, i'm just madly in love, and think them rules are old fashioned in a modern society. So sorry if i don't find that joke funny. Great way to annoy me.

 

awwww is badly under the thumb :cheeky:

 

How many times do i have to say no when you say that :p

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Nodz86 Grand Master

Nodz86

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How many times do i have to say no when you say that :p

 

Sorry I forgot your a modern man that respects the wishes of the opposite sex, in other words your unde............... :lol:

 

Haha some of those are great, others seem to be trying too hard but it is good to finally have a Man Rules to look at rather than seeing Woman Rules all the time.

 

There's some missing of course. ;)

 

Fell free to add others if you think theres some missing ;)

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Who Grand Master

Who

Posted
Posted

when i read the title i thought it was an old joke i heard...

 

Rules of being a man:

 

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

 

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:

 

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.

© After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) *sexual reference involving teeth*.

 

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

 

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

 

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

 

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

 

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

 

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

 

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

 

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to *that thing women like*. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

 

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

 

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

 

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

 

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

 

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

 

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

 

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

 

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

 

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

 

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

 

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights:

 

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

 

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting In line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

 

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

 

24:The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

 

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

 

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

 

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

 

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

 

29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

 

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

 

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!

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