Test Drive Unlimited: Central Joke Book

[TDU 505]

Before marriage....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: No! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: No! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get.

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!

After marriage....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Simply read from bottom to top.

 

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Contains mild sexual reference

 

 

Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his ***** into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

 

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his *****. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

 

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's ******. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his *****, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion.

"If neither of you objects," the doctor said, "I could give it a try." Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell are you doing?!?!?!", screamed the husband.

"Change of plan," the physician panted, "I'm going to drown the little !#@$%^!."

 

[TDU 505]

One day, a widow's daughter asked her mom

 

"Mommy, how old are you?"

 

The mom replied

 

"Women don't like to talk about their ages, so i won't tell you."

 

Then the girl asked

 

"Mommy, how heavy are you?"

 

The mom replied

 

"Women don't like to talk about their weight, so i won't tell you."

 

Then the girl asked

 

"Mommy, why did daddy leave you?"

 

The mom replied

 

"I'd rather not talk about it."

 

So the little girl went off. The next day, she found herself looking through her mom's health book. All her particulars were there. Gleefully, she ran up to her mom and said

 

"Mommy! I know how old you are! Your 39!"

 

The mom replied

 

"How did yo..."

 

"And i also know your 239LBS!"

 

"How did you fin..."

 

"And i know why daddy left you!"

 

Amusely the mom asked why.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"BECAUSE YOU GOT A F IN SEX!"

[Iced_Bullet]

"Your eyes are like spanners" ... "everytime I look into them, my nuts tighten"

 

HAHAHA Jack Dee is quite funni :p

[TDU 505]

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

 

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

 

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

 

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.

 

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

 

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

 

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

THE JOKE BELOW CONTAINS MILD SEXUAL REFERENCE

{NSFW}

 

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub.'

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.How much does it cost?"

 

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

 

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

 

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

 

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks." Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?" She says, "Once, and I saw rage." Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?" The wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Eudemon]

This is a classic imo:

 

A lawyer just getting his new Jaguar drives to work. Thinking how impressed his colleagues will be he parks right infront of the window. As he is getting out a truck comes back way to closely and takes off the Jaguar's door. The lawyer who is hysterical calls 911. Within minutes the cop is there, and without letting the cop get one word in, he begins ranting and raving about his car, and how it will never be the same even after they fix it up.

 

After 30 minutes the lawyer stops ranting and the cop says "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are!!". The lawyer says "How could you say such a thing". The cop replies "For god sake man you are missing your left arm, it must have been taken off by the truck", the lawyer looks at where his arm should be and screams "AAAAH MY ROLEX!!".

 

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A mate told me this one last month:

 

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice -

 

"Jesus is watching you!"

 

He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!".

 

He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot,

 

"Did you say that?"

 

The parrot answers "Yes I did."

 

So the burglar says, "What's your name?"

 

The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"

 

The parrot laughs and says,

 

"The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus'"

[DriftNismo]

][Contains Mild Sexual Reference][

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A man carrying three ducks walks into a bar, puts his ducks down on the bar and orders a pint. He says to the barman: "Can you watch my ducks for a minute while i use the toilet?" "Of course" replies the barman. The man walks into the toilet and the bartender says to the first duck:

 

Bartender: "So, whats your name?"

First Duck: "My names Dewey"

Bartender: "Ah, hows your day been so far?"

First Duck: "It's been ok, been in and out of puddles all day, i can't complain."

 

So the bartender turns to the second duck and says:

 

Bartender: "So, what's your name, and hows your day been?"

Second Duck: "My names Bewey and my days been alright, been in and out of puddles all day, can't complain"

 

So the bartender turns to the third duck and says:

 

Bartender: "Ah, so you must be Lew..."

Third Duck: "Before you say anything, my name is Puddles, and NO, i've not had a very good day!"

[Baltoman]

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

 

old girl????

 

NUGGET

[Pherelas]

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

 

old girl????

 

NUGGET

 

You what? Are you just trying to get Nugget yourself?

[DriftNismo]

ROFL!!!

thats brilliant!

Another one

 

 

 

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An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found

four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her

shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the

top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of

the car, you scumbags!"

 

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran

like mad.

 

The lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the

back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that

she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no

avail.

 

And then it dawned on her why.

 

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces

farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police

station.

 

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with

laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale

males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman described as

white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and

carrying a large handgun.

 

No charges were filed.

 

That's from a video, i saw it a while ago.

[khevolution]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the

stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights

go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little 5 year old girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly

and said to the stranger,

"What would you like to talk about ?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger, "How about nuclear power ?"

 

"OK" she said. "That could be an interesting topic.

But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets,

while the cow turns out a flat patty,

and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is ?"

The stranger thinks about it and says. "Hummm, I have no idea."

Well, the little girl responded,

"Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know :D:D:D:D?".

[TDU 505]

Ok time to BUMP this thread.

 

In the sprit of the Olympic Games, some sport jokes!

 

Whats the difference between what a weightlifter does at training and at home?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer:

At training, its clean and jerk

 

 

At home, its the other way around

 

 

 

 

 

:D:D:D:D

[Eudemon]

lol that's soo bad but good at the same time.

[khevolution]

Amy Winehouse bumps into Jeremy Clarkson and they start to chat.

she says "what do you do?"

he says "top gear"

she says "that's bloody brilliant I'll have 3 grams

[UK HOTCARS]

Mickey Mouse's lawyer says "No, I don't think you can divorce Minnie because of her teeth"

 

Mickey says "For gods sake! I don't think you get what I mean when I say she's goofy"

 

GC :twisted:

[Speedtouch]

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

 

Run like hell! Shes got a grenade in her mouth...

 

--------------

 

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

 

Take the pin out and throw it back.

 

---------------

 

What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?

 

Half a dog.

 

-----> And this variation came from my maths teacher (I kid you not!)

 

What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A woman.

[Baldy]

Blonde jokes don't go down well in this house, I normally get hit :D

[Who]

*Bump*

 

A personal favourite...

 

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

 

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

 

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

 

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy."

[Pherelas]

Went to see Jimmy Carr last night but don't think i can repeat many of the jokes here ;)

[TDU 505]

RoFL! Lwsbrck +rep for you!

[H4milton]

Damn, i am good wid all these jokes, :d

 

 

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to

 

cool off.

 

Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the

 

parrot sweating.

 

"How come you are sweating?" he asks.

The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to

 

open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

 

[H4milton]

time to bump the thread :P

 

one day LADEN was sleeping with his wife

they were mating, once his wife said 'push inside'

but LADEN heard BUSH inside

the ultimate result was his wife was dead..

[StrickenHAWK?]

mate, thats pushing the rules a bit.

[DriftNismo]

Yeah, you may want to put a spoiler alert around it like you did with the first one :p.

[TDU 505]

Bump!

 

 

 

 

In the year 2009 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.' He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

 

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

 

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

 

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

 

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

 

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

 

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

 

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?' 'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.'

[sfy2004]

A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details".

 

He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?". The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step...

The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an alligator with a sore tooth. If you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three...

Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. If you can satisfy her, you win the money!"

 

The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded. He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".

 

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Nerd Season

 

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

 

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."

 

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

 

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

 

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

 

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

 

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

 

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

 

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In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

 

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

 

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

 

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...)

 

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

 

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

 

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)

 

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

 

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

 

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)

 

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

 

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

 

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

 

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

 

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)